What am I?

Kirsten and I have been thinking about how we can differetiate between when I am posting and when she is posting, and until I can think of a better solution, I'll be posting in blue font and Kirsten can post in another color.

First order of business on the practical side--I started Lupron yesterday! Yesterday marked the official first day of this cycle. We have only 4 weeks left until the transfer!

Now I want to talk about something that I get asked about a lot, espescially since I've been a surrogate in the past. And it's this: what am I? People want to know if I am considered the birth mom, or if I used my eggs (I didn't, but that's neither here nor there), or how I feel about "giving away" the baby. People just want to know how I view my role as a surrogate mom.

Kirsten and I were talking about this yesterday, and our conversation really made me think. The role of a surrogate is going to be different in any given situation, depending on how her relationship is with the intended parents, depending on her personality, depending on the circumstances surrounding her particular journey. And just because I have done this once before, and my role was one thing, doesn't guarantee that it'll be just exactly the same this time.

In a way, I gathered from my talk with Kirsten, and sometimes from others, that some people want me to view myself as the "birth mom". Yes, I'll be giving birth to this child(ren)--God willing--but I would never consider myself their birth mom. To me, a birth mom faces an infinitely more difficult task than I will ever have to face as a surrogate--she must decide to give up something that was hers. But as a surrogate mom, I'm not "giving away" anything; I'm simply giving back something that was never mine to keep.

Still, even understanding all that, many people find it difficult to understand how I could spend nine months with a child and then just let it go. Some wonder how I can do that and not feel the pain of separation from the child, and some wonder if the child will feel like it is missing something by being separated from the surrogate. Personally, I have no problem admitting that in my last surrogacy I bonded with the twins I carried. I knew that when I gave birth I would be saying goodbye (even though I had the hope of seeing them often). I was nervous about all the comments people were making, and I was afraid I would feel the pain of separation. So I decided that I would really like to pump breast milk for the twins. I thought that it might ease the transition between birth and goodbye. As it turns out, I didn't really need to do that. When they were born, I couldn't wait to see them with the intended parents. It was right and it was good, and it was what we had all been waiting for. There was no pain on separation, at least not from the babies. I'll just be honest and say I never really considered that the babies might be missing something from the serparation. Knowing how babies are, how they thrive when they are loved, and that it doesn't matter who it is, as long as they are loved, the thought never entered my mind.

The birth wasn't without it's hardships though. More than the babies, I bonded with the intended parents. It was hard to let go of our journey, to move on and know that I'd finished what needed to be done. There was pain in that separation, but fortunately, I had the hope of retaining that friendship, and still do.

A surrogate mom does form bonds. She isn't just this shell that houses an infant. I form bonds with people, both the babies I carry and their parents. But it isn't like the bonds I formed when I was pregnant with my own children. It's different, and it should be different because the situations are different, the intent is different, and the journey and the end are different. I love my surro-babies, I love their parents, I love Chris and Kirsten's family, and I will love whatever child(ren) may come out of these cycles. I'll love them, but our relationship will be unique. And there is no protocol for what it should look like. It will be what it will be.

I can't predict what it will look like. I try not to expect anything or even promise anything. All I can do is count on the fact that so far Kirsten and Chris and I all want to be a part of each other's family's lives, including any children I carry for them. And that's a good thing. It's right, even if it is different.