The unknown

Nothing to report. I don't know at this point if this blog will continue or not? For now it's on hold. Chris and I have some decisions to make and some hard thinking to do.

I'll report back when there is anything to say.

Thanks for supporting us in our journey so far, I, for one, hope this is not the end.

It's over

This journey is over. Beta was negative.

I'm not sure how we get to be quite so unlucky, but there it is.

The proof is in the bloodwork

Tomorrow is beta test day. Again, for the 7th time I wonder why we are bothering to keep the appointment. However, as I know from past experience if you don't get the bloodwork done they hound you and track you down until you agree to give in just for some peace and quiet.

A positive on 17dpo, that would really be a miracle!

There is no place for gloominess in my life

Every morning I wake to see Sarah and Jacob. Each day I feel like I am meeting them for the very first time, and I am reminded the two brightest lights in my world are resting under our roof.

I am sad for lives that were not meant to be but there is no place for gloominess in my life, tears of joy and that is all.

I thank God for each new morning.

Nose dive

Hope takes a big nose dive today.

There may have been testing, there may not, I don't know. What I do know is, if there was testing, it wasn't showing the two little lines we'd like to see.

I wish Jenn didn't have to go through this tough time with us, spreading the pain just makes the pain more intense.

Sorry Jenn.

Do I need to spell it out?

You can guess what today's tests say.

Negative

Tests so far, all negative.

There is always tomorrow!

AF has arrived

I am not pregnant.

(and I didn't even have to test to find out)

LOL!

9 DPO

See post 8 DPO!

8 DPO

Nothing to report. Just waiting.

How dull!

Just waiting

I am feeling quite useless. It's not like if the embryos had been transferred to me I'd actually be doing anything anyway, but since Jenn is the one giving our rays of hope the chance of a future there is nothing I can do, except wait, just like everyone else.

It's weird.

Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD)

There are various reasons a couple turns to PGD. Inherited genetic diseases that could possibly be passed on to a child is probably the most well know reason. Another use of PGD is for gender selection to "balance" a family since PGD will tell you which embryos are boys and which are girls (an ethical debate I am not prepared to engage in here). In our case we turned to PGD to find a possible answer to why 21 embryos, whilst looking good in the lab and growing in cultures to as far as day 7 did not make it to a pregnancy. Dr W advises PGD after a couple has 2 failed fresh cycles and in our case we had 2 failed fresh and 4 frozen cycles. Since all the embies always looked so good and grew so well we really had to believe that I was the main problem and we didn't really expect PGD to give us the answers we were looking for but thought we should try it anyway given this was our last shot.

We were wrong, so wrong.

Yesterday we received the report giving the results of our genetic testing. Apparently, for a reason we will never know, we do not make good embryos. They look pretty and grow well, but that is all. You would normally expect abnormal embryos to die off early on, but not ours, they might not be perfect, but they are fighters, for as long as they can be, and I'm proud of them for that.

The type of PGD testing that was carried out on our embryos tests chromosomes X, Y, 8, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 20, 21 and 22. These are the more common problems found with abnormal embryos. Each chromosome should consist of 2 chromosomes, 1 from the mother and 1 from the father, any more or less than 2 would be considered abnormal.

Our results;

Of 11 embryos available 2 could not be tested since they had no nucleus.
1 embryo had 1 chromosome abnormality
1 embryo had 2 chromosome abnormalities
4 embryos had so many chromosome abnormalities there is no point in listing them all
1 embryos did not have any normal chromosomes at all

That leaves 2!!! 2 (recorded as normal) embryos consisting of 2 chromosomes in every category required. Instead of "normal embryos" I like to think of them as miracle embryos or rays of hope.

In case you are wondering whether our rays of hope are male or female, we don't know. We asked Dr W to black out that part because we don't want to know.

I'm sad that for some reason we make such a high number of abnormal embryos, of course we wish that wasn't the case, and we'd really like to know why we do, but we never will know, and those are the facts so we have to accept them. It does gives us the answers we were searching for, even if not the ones we wanted. Our "normal embryo" percentage in this cycle was 18%. Using that percentage on our previous cycles it would suggest that although we thought we were putting back 21 good embryos in reality it may have been just 3 (or none).

At this point dwelling on the above is pointless, the most important part is that our 2 good embryos have been transferred to Jenn and we have hope. Of course it's possible they may have issues we haven't tested for, but for now we are going to put that to one side and assume they are just perfect.

A perfect transfer

When we arrived for the transfer this morning we were happy to find both embryos were still alive and doing well. Everything went smoothly with the transfer, and Jenn did an excellent job. Dr W said she looked great, and her lining was perfect. She followed her pre transfer instructions so well that Dr W had a clear view of where the embryos needed to go.

Jenn told me she had a good feeling today, and I can't help but agree with her. This was the first time we've had a transfer that has been in the clinic and not in the surgery centre OR. It really helped me have a positive vibe about the transfer, I would not have wanted to go back into the OR where so many previous failed transfers have taken place.

I am feeling positive today and I hope I can make that feeling last.

Jenn is now on bed rest and all we can do is wait and pray.

Transfer day

Today is embryo transfer day. I hope, hope, hope, that we still have two good looking healthy embryos to transfer by the time we get to the surgery centre. That's the reality of IVF, you just never know if and when you are going to lose an embryo or two (or more).

I didn't sleep well last night, I'm not sure why, it's not like I can change anything, but there you go.

I have lots to do this morning, so it's time to get busy, I'll update after the transfer.

Fingers crossed!

Speedy McWerlin

Ok, so no. Apparently although the general consensus via goggle is 48 hours, if you are testing with Dr W the results come way quicker.

Today I got "the call", I wasn't expecting one so it was nice not to be sitting around waiting for it.

The news is good or bad (or both) depending on which way you see it.

Out of 11 growing embryos only 2 are normal. The others are still growing (they are fighters!) but they are not normal. I was shocked, but not surprised (is that possible?). After 6 transfers of 21 embryos we finally have our answer. If you add our dodgy abnormal embryos to my issues with hormone levels and lining problems it's not really too much of a surprise that we haven't been successful so far. I'll be honest, even though we did PGD (since it was the only thing left to do), neither Chris or I (or even Dr W) expected this outcome, it really is unusual to have such abnormal numbers.

I was complaining this morning that doing PGD was taking money away from other things that we needed, and now, this afternoon I believe that it was the best $4,500 we have ever spent. We now know that even with IVF, pregnancy (especially for me) would be highly unlikely.

Ok, so if we look at this as good news;

• We have 2 normal embies to transfer and that is all we need
• We are using a very experienced and proven surrogate which give our embies the best ever possible shot they could hope for
• If this cycle works we will not have to consider what to do with frozen embryos
• If we hadn't done PGD we might have transferred 2 abnormal embies since you cannot tell just by looking at them

Now for the bad news:

• We only have 2 normal embies to transfer, it's possible they have other issues we could not test for (we do not make many normal embryos)
• We have none to freeze so if this cycle doesn't work it's the end of the road for us
• The 2 normal embies might not make it until transfer tomorrow

Since the good points above outway the bad points I am going to believe this cycle will work until I hear otherwise.

Wish us luck for tomorrow!

48 hours

I have been asked when we will find out the results of the PGD testing. Since I didn't know the answer (I just assumed we would find out sometime before the transfer tomorrow!), I decided to google the subject and discovered it generally takes 48 hours to get the result which is perfect for a 5 day transfer.

This has stopped me thinking "I wonder if we will find out Tuesday", so I will expect no news today, and pray for a good result tomorrow morning. That's all we can do for now.

Bloating, oh my!

IVF meds can make you feel pretty crappy. I've never really had an issue until this cycle, I've had headaches and have generally felt pretty fat and gross. Bloating can be a big issue and I couldn't wait until ER to get rid of that big round feeling. When they prep you for surgery they weigh you and I have to say I was shocked by the number, since I haven't weighed myself in a while. Today however, I weighed in and I'm down 3lbs since the surgery on Friday, so although I still feel pretty big and bloated, at least mentally I feel better already.

I hope the downward trend continues!

No transfer today!

Dr W just called to let us know that 11 embies are still growing nicely so we can take it to a 5 day transfer. He is sure we can carry out PGD on 9 of the 11, and possibly on the other 2, he's not sure quite yet, which probably suggests they do not have as many cells as he would like at this point.

This means a definite transfer on Wednesday, as long as

1. they don't all arrest because we carried out PGD on them
2. at least 2 embies hang on for the next two days
3. the PGD results doesn't show all our embies are totally duds or "incompatible with human life" as Dr W likes to phrase it.

I feel hopeful today. I'm going to be smiling for today even if I don't know what tomorrow brings.

Ouch.

Today is turning out to be my worst pain day since surgery. It's supposed to get better and I had high hopes for today, but unfortunately it was not to be. I am getting waves of pain that come on so quickly and for want of a better way to describe the pain it feels like my ovaries are about to explode.

Now, I am a rational person, so I'm pretty sure my ovaries are totally intact, but the panic is still bubbling there, just a little under the surface. I'm supposed to be resting, Dr W put on his stern face on Friday after surgery and told me to make sure I take it easy, but with no outward signs of illness I feel like a fraud, and with two little people running around where is the time for resting?

I am so grateful that we are not going to transfer tomorrow with me being the recipient, at this point I cannot imagine doing something quite so crazy.

The little people are napping now, so for at least a few minutes I'm going to try and sit on the couch and see if I can't still the waves of pain, if just for a while.

(I hope all our embies are doing ok today, we've had no bad news, so I'm hoping for the best).

Fertilization?

Dr W called this morning to let us know that out of the 17 eggs, 11 fertilized normally, 1 is still undecided and 5 decided not to bother getting in on the whole baby experience!

Since we have been used to 100% fertilization in the past, I guess this shows the beginning of our downward slide on age v fertility, I am 36 after all and heading fast for the big four O! It seems we were right to cycle now instead of waiting until Sarah and Jacob are a little older.

The embryos will be monitored for the next couple of days to see how they are doing and we will then have to decide whether to do PGD and a 5 day transfer or if they are not doing so well it will be a 3 day transfer.

We will see.

My work is done .......

..........and Jenn's is just beginning.

At my surgery today 19 eggs were retrieved of which 17 were mature enough to be injected with sperm. We retrieved way more eggs that I expected so we are pretty happy. Tomorrow we will find out how many of those fertilized successfully. In the past two retrievals we'd had a 100% fertilization rate, so we will have to wait and see if we get that lucky this time.

I am still feeling a little sore, nothing that an early night and a bit of rest over the next couple of days won't fix.

Jenn's lining check this morning went better than we could ever have hoped for. Her lining was 15.5mm, which sounds totally warm and snuggly and an environment any embryo would be happy bedding down in, IMHO!

Go Jenn!

ER and lining check

Today is the surgery for my egg retrieval. Today is also Jenn's lining check. Fingers crossed for a good number for both of us!

Today is an important day in this cycle.

The urge never goes away!

So, apparently I've discovered the urge to POAS (pee on a stick) never goes away*

The shot we did yesterday consisted of HCG. This is the hormone produced by the body when an embryo implants and starts to grow. It is the hormone that produces a hpt that looks like this;



instead of one the one we usually see which looks like this;



The HCG shot is used during an IVF cycle as HCG allows control over when ovulation will take place – and this is 36 – 39 hours after the HCG injection. This precise control allows the IVF team to be prepared to harvest eggs just before that time. The HCG simulates the woman's natural LH surge, which normally triggers ovulation.

So that would be the medical reason for the shot. However, for the hpt addicts out there is gives us the unusual opportunity of POAS and immediately getting a "pregnant!" result, something vary rarely (if ever) seen around these parts!

When I told Chris this morning I really wished I had some hpt's in the house, he gave me the *you are crazy lady* look and pointed out that I can't be pregnant.

I really didn't see his point.... "what an earth has that got to do with anything, it's a chance to see a positive hpt, what better reason is there?"

Suffice to say, since I didn't have any tests in the house the dream of seeing a positive hpt will remain just that, a dream.


* Just in case we need claification on why someone would want to pee on a stick...POAS = home pregnancy test (hpt)!

Even Molly is over it

Usually Molly sleeps in our bed during the night, curled up close to me and then in the morning gets up with me regardless of what time that might be. She sits faithfully on the lid of the toilet waiting for me while I have a shower and then goes back to bed when I'm ready to leave the house. During this cycle nothing has changed, when everyone else in the house is sound asleep Molly has been my shadow.

Not so much today. Molly is o.v.e.r the 5am rise. Today there was no sign of her on the toilet lid and when I went looking, there she was still tucked up in bed sleeping like a baby.

After tomorrow I can get back to my usual 6 to 7am wake up call. That used to sound early to me, now it just sounds like heaven!

My appointment today is just for bloodwork, I hope they hit a vein on the first attempt!

It's trigger time!

Tonight's trigger shot is at 11pm and surgery on Friday is scheduled for 10am.

This cycle is going so fast!

Friday is confirmed!

The egg retrieval will definitely be Friday. No more stims for me thank goodness! Today the biggest measurement was 22mm and the smallest was 18mm. Tonight we have a lupron shot and a HCG shot and then it's all over, no more shots for me!

My lining was (drum roll please) 6mm. Yes that's all, on cycle day 11 my lining is a pitiful 6mm. Dr W confirmed our decision to move forward with a surrogate was a very good one. He has no idea why I've never been able to build up a good lining, but best not to dwell on the issue since that's not important at this point. It's always a comforting feeling when your doctor is in full agreement with your medical decisions!

Jenn has a lining check on Friday, let's hope she is doing better than I am in that department!

Are we too greedy?

This is a question I revisit on a regular basis. Are we too greedy to want more children? We do, after all, have 2 gorgeous little people who make us a family, aren't they enough for us? There are so many people who struggle just to have 1 and sometimes never attain that dream and here were are looking for 3 or 4.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll just never know the answer to that question. All I do know is that Sarah and Jacob remind us daily just what blessings children are and if wanting more is greedy, then so be it.

During the process of adopting the twins we knew we were just on the beginning of our journey to be parents, not at the end of the road.

My heart goes out to those who are still striving to become a family, I do know how it feels, but for now I am going to try and push the feelings of guilt at being so fortunate to one side and concentrate on the amazing road we are travelling right now and pray for more blessings to come our way.

Last day of stims

Today will be the last day of stims and the egg retrieval will almost definitely be on Friday.

My biggest measurement today was 19mm and the smallest was 10mm. I'm not totally sure but I'm going to hazard a guess that there are more than 5 good eggs on each side, but we'll have to see what Friday brings, until they have been aspirated we won't know for sure how many are mature.

I can't wait to stop going for bloodwork, it's starting to get too much now, my arms are starting to fight back!

More tomorrow after another ultrasound (and yes, another 5am start)!

5am is getting old

Another rise and shine at 5am for another fun ultrasound and bloodwork.

Getting up when it's still dark is starting to get old! Only 3 more early mornings and it's back to normal.

Gotta run, updates when I get back.

Some questions answered

Another ultrasound today. The biggest measurement was 16mm and the smallest was 10mm. The retrieval will most likely be Friday, but definately no later than Saturday. Dr W doesn't yet know when he wants Jenn in for a lining check, it will depend on when the retrieval is, but he'll let us know.

For PGD, Dr W's advice is not to do PGD with less than 4 embryos. That's much lower than I though it would be, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see how many embryos we create!!

That's it for today, another ultrasound tomorrow.

Three years

Our first IVF was in August 2006, it's now August 2009. If you had told me 3 years ago we'd still be on this rollercoaster 3 years later I would probably have broken down and cried.

I think after 3 years of treatment it's ok to finally close the door on this chapter of our lives, let's hope this final one is the winner!