5 weeks

At midnight tonight two things will happen;

1. It will be 2010

2. Jenn will be 5 weeks pregnant

Both seem amazing to me. As a child of the 80's just the sound of 2010 makes me feel old. As part of a couple who has been trying to conceive a child for nearly 4 years, 5 weeks pregnant with our baby seems impossible.

Hello 2010!

885

Our final beta test (I think?) is in. Today's HCG level is 885. We were hoping it would be over 1,000 but 885 is still a good number. Doubling time is 51 hours which is down from 39.5 on Monday, but still nothing to be concerned about. As I mentioned in Monday's post a good doubling time is between 48 and 72 hours, so our numbers are STILL looking really good!

I am predicting 1 healthy bean for our ultrasound on Monday.

Starting the New Year in style

January 4th.

That's the date scheduled for our first ultrasound. I don't know exactly how much we'll see, if anything, but I'm totally excited!

An ultrasound.

To look for a real baby (ies).

That's a first for us.

1 or 2?

or 3? (just kidding!)

The speculation has begun. We transferred 2 grade 1 expanding blasts and Jenn is pregnant. The most likely scenario is 1 or 2 babies, however it's just possible that either of the blasts could split into identicals, which could bring our numbers up to 4 or more!!

Sometimes during an IVF cycle a procedure is carried out on the embryos called assisted hatching, which give the embryos a head start on implanting. The procedure was used on this cycle and it gives a slightly increased chance of an embryo splitting, hence identical twins, triplets (or more!!)

My guess is 1 healthy baby growing, what do you think?

It will be a while before we find out so keep an open mind!!!

463

It's in! Today's HCG level is 463.
The first one was 94 on December 24th.
Doubling time is 38 hours.

A good doubling time is between 48 and 72 hours, so our numbers are looking really good!

Jenn is the biz! Next beta test is on Wednesday, ultrasound is scheduled when HCG reaches 1,000.

Yes, more waiting

The blood test is done, and now all we can do is wait for the results.

Our clinic does the first ultrasound when the HCG levels are over 1,000.

(insert foot tapping here!)

Official beta test

Tomorrow is the first official beta test at our clinic. Between Jenn and I this will be the 8th beta test but the first that shows the promise of a happy outcome.

I am finally excited to go for a beta test! (well it's actually Jenn who gets to give the blood, obviously!)

I'll update as soon as we get the news!

I guess it's high time I made a post, huh? Sorry I haven't been as posty as Kirsten, I never know what to talk about! By now you've heard the news--Kirsten and Chris are going to be parents--again! It's an exciting time, and with Christmas just passed, there was no better time to have such happy news!

The time between the transfer and the pregnancy blood test is often called the two week wait. It's called that just because it's about two weeks (give or take) that you have to wait before finding out if the transfer was successful. The two week wait (2ww) is SO torturous! It really isn't a long time, but when you are doing home pregnancy tests, it seems like forever before you see a positive, if you are lucky enough to get one.

On our failed cycle in August, I got a TON of evaporation lines on my home pregnancy tests. Evaporation lines are just faint, gray lines that can trick you into thinking they are super early positives. A few times I even got blue lines that looked like true positives. It was terrible! So this time I got a bunch of really cheap internet tests to use so I could test often and early. Don't laugh, but I started testing the day of transfer! I knew they wouldn't be positive yet, but if my tests happened to be prone to evaporation lines, I'd know because I'd have true negative tests from those first days to compare later home tests to. Fortunately, those tests didn't have evaporation lines after all.

I started seeing faint, faint positives 9 days after the egg retrieval, or 4 days after the transfer. They were so faint that Kirsten really thought they weren't true positives. Little did we know that in just a day's time there would be no question about it--a baby or two is on the way!

So, how am I feeling? First, I'm in shock! I'm relieved, I'm happy for K and C, I'm glad the transfer worked, of course, too. I'm looking forward to the first ultrasound when we find out how many and can see the heartbeat(s) for the first time. I remember it being an amazing feeling in my previous journey when my IP's saw the heartbeats for the first time. It makes it so much more real to see a baby moving around in there. I know it will be a great moment when K and C get to see this baby for the first time too.

This may seem strange to say, but I'm so grateful for my ability to conceive and carry children. I really cannot fathom what K and C and other couples like them have to go through in order to enjoy such a common part of humanity. My heart just breaks when I think about it, and I'm SO glad and thankful that I can be a part of growing K and C's family and filling their hearts and home with a new baby to love.

Sharing the news

This is how we told our parents today about our wonderful news. They were very excited and of course we had an excellent Christmas day!

It's hard to believe that next Christmas we will hopefully have one or two new additions to our happy family.

Bring on the chaos!

Merry Christmas ~ Jenn is pregnant!!

I couldn't do any blog updates earlier, we wanted to share the news with our parents on Christmas day, and since they read this blog, the blog updates had to wait.

On Monday 21st Jenn shared these test with us;



It's so faint it's hard to take a picture, but the line is there (barely!) We were a little hopeful, but very reserved, we've been burned before thinking a test is positive only to find it's an evaporation line.

Then on Tuesday 22nd Jenn shared these two tests with us, the top one from the 21st and the bottom one from the 22nd;



By this point I was starting to believe it really might actually have worked, although Chris was still reserving judgement, until this happened at noon the same day;



No doubt about the results of this one, then that evening I went over to Jenn's house and we did this one together, which leaves us all in no doubt whatsoever, Jenn is pregnant!!



Jenn confirmed with a blood test today that she is officially pregnant!

It's still early days, but we are so excited. Thanks Jenn (and her amazing family) for giving us such a wonderful gift, and thank you to our donor who doesn't yet know that she has made the impossible, possible.

Merry Christmas!!

Nope

Nothing to report today.

The nail biting begins

Tomorrow will be 5 days past a 5 day transfer also known as 10 days past ovulation. It is the first day since the transfer that we can sensibly expect to see a positive pregnancy test. A negative tomorrow doesn't mean the end of our hope, but each day that goes past after tomorrow showing negative tests means the slow deflation of a dream.

I think you'll agree, as of tomorrow the nail biting officially begins. Let's hope we can all stay sane. Stay strong Jenn, we'll know the answer one way or the other very soon!

Eight blasts to freeze

We have 8 blasts to freeze, so in total that makes 10 blasts produced this cycle. I know that's an amazing number, there are many who do IVF and never have even a single embryo make it to blast stage and we have 10, but honestly, we've been here before, we've made many blasts in previous cycles and we know how that turned out, so I'll reserve judgement for now!

This afternoon I spent time with Jenn's little people while she was resting. It was funny spending time alone with kids that aren't S and J. They are so different, and so quiet and well behaved! I am going to send S and J to Jenn boot camp, I think she is up for the challenge!

Now we wait

The transfer is done. This morning we transferred 2 grade 1 expanding blasts (1 being the best 4 being the worst).

All we can do is wait.

Not long now

Tomorrow is the day, transfer day. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.

After tomorrow we will really begin waiting. Which way will it go, who knows? By Christmas it will all be over, good news or bad news, either way Christmas will still be amazing because we have little people who think the world is perfect already.

Not today

Transfers are usually scheduled for 3 and 5 days past egg retrieval, and today is day 3. The first day is a "just in case" things are not going too well day and the day 5 is the hoped for day. I just find out we are not on for today, we are transferring on Wednesday so we figure things must be looking good!

The Mother of all Pregnancy books

I was sorting through some books in our garage today and came across two interesting little reads;

The Mother of all Pregnancy books (The ultimate guide to conception, birth and everything in between)

and;

Infertility (Learn to take charge of your condition)

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. I remember buying the first book somewhere during the first year we were trying to conceive, and I guess at some point I believed I might actually need to read it. Thinking back I can remember reading the first few chapters but not reading past the section where I get that all too elusive positive pregnancy test! Hmmmm, I wonder how it got unceremoniously banished to the garage for all eternity? I think it's time to dust it off and pass it on to someone who really needs it, although I'm not sure anyone would want such a bad luck charm. I think I'll give it anonymously to charity to save the shame from being so public.

I bought the second book in a weak moment when I thought I really SHOULD be able to read my way out of infertility. Most couples are not REALLY infertile, right, they just need to be patient and try for longer? I thought maybe that could be us, even though that's not what Dr W had told us, but I thought it might be possible. Of course when I read through the book I discovered that it only touched the surface of infertility and I found myself scoffing at much of it's contents. I read the book a few years ago now and if I thought at the time we were super infertile that would currently put us in the extra super duper infertile category!

If you know anyone who needs a pregnancy or infertility book send them in my direction, I have two gathering dust and looking for a new owner who can help them to reach their full potential. Best be quick, they will be on their way to Goodwill very soon!

Grow embies, grow!

I just got the call that 18 eggs fertilized normally. Can't complain about that number, it's fantastic!

We are being scheduled for transfer Monday and Wednesday, but it will probably be Wednesday. I hope our donor is recovering well. Her job is over now, and Jenn's is taking the reins.

Good luck Jenn!

Thank you D!

During the egg retrieval today Dr W aspirated 23 eggs from our donor. At the time of the report 22 were at the perfect level of maturity and 1 was one step behind the rest. The clinic will see if that one catches up and so either 22 or 23 eggs will be injected with sperm today.

We will receive a report tomorrow with the fertilization rate.

Go D! Thanks for all your hard work and dedication.

eta;

Dr W just called, all 23 have been injected. Hurrah!!

12 ~ The perfect number

Jenn had an ultrasound today to check her lining, it was at 12 which is an excellent number.

The retrieval is on for today, so hopefully updates later on how many eggs our wonderful donor produces!

Egg retrieval is on for Friday

We received this email from our clinic today;

The egg retrieval will be Friday. We will see Jennifer on Friday as well for a pre-transfer ultrasound. Her transfer will most likely occur on 12/16. We will give you the time on the 14th. Her preg test will be 12/28. The donor has done fantastic, lots of eggs!!

It looks like all is going well so far, I can't believe the transfer is almost here!

Nothing to report

I haven't heard anything from the clinic about D's response to stims, so I'm going to assume everything is going just fine.

Only 8 more days until estimated egg retrieval day.

I've got to say it, a donor cycle is kind of dull from my point of view!

Eggs, Eggs and more Eggs

I confirmed with the clinic that our donor started stims medication yesterday. We are told that she has very productive ovaries, so we are hoping for great things!

Our cycle is in full swing. Good luck D.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Our family had a wonderful day spent with my parents, eating turkey, and just relaxing with each other. I am so grateful for the time we had to spend together today!

And guess how I get to end such a wonderful day? With a nice, big, injection, that's how! As Kirsten posted about yesterday, I start the BIG injections today (in the hip!).

I don't get too nervous about the hip injections, but I am a little annoyed with myself because I forgot to ask the nurse to use a pen and cordon off the area on my hips where the injections go. I have a general idea of where they go since I've done so many in the past, but I like to have the nurse draw a little boundaries for me so that I have a nice big space to work with and can vary the injection site a bit from shot to shot. Luckily, I only have a handful of shots before we go in for another appointment where I'll have another opportunity to ask the nurse to draw my squares for me.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Moving along

The cycle is moving along nicely. Jenn started lupron last week and starts hormone replacement treatment this week. We expect our donor to start stims just after thanksgiving and before we know it the transfer date will have arrived!

I wish I had something exciting to say, but at the moment we are just going through the usual motions. I will be interested to see how many eggs the donor gets, it's so funny that it's all going to happen without me.

What am I?

Kirsten and I have been thinking about how we can differetiate between when I am posting and when she is posting, and until I can think of a better solution, I'll be posting in blue font and Kirsten can post in another color.

First order of business on the practical side--I started Lupron yesterday! Yesterday marked the official first day of this cycle. We have only 4 weeks left until the transfer!

Now I want to talk about something that I get asked about a lot, espescially since I've been a surrogate in the past. And it's this: what am I? People want to know if I am considered the birth mom, or if I used my eggs (I didn't, but that's neither here nor there), or how I feel about "giving away" the baby. People just want to know how I view my role as a surrogate mom.

Kirsten and I were talking about this yesterday, and our conversation really made me think. The role of a surrogate is going to be different in any given situation, depending on how her relationship is with the intended parents, depending on her personality, depending on the circumstances surrounding her particular journey. And just because I have done this once before, and my role was one thing, doesn't guarantee that it'll be just exactly the same this time.

In a way, I gathered from my talk with Kirsten, and sometimes from others, that some people want me to view myself as the "birth mom". Yes, I'll be giving birth to this child(ren)--God willing--but I would never consider myself their birth mom. To me, a birth mom faces an infinitely more difficult task than I will ever have to face as a surrogate--she must decide to give up something that was hers. But as a surrogate mom, I'm not "giving away" anything; I'm simply giving back something that was never mine to keep.

Still, even understanding all that, many people find it difficult to understand how I could spend nine months with a child and then just let it go. Some wonder how I can do that and not feel the pain of separation from the child, and some wonder if the child will feel like it is missing something by being separated from the surrogate. Personally, I have no problem admitting that in my last surrogacy I bonded with the twins I carried. I knew that when I gave birth I would be saying goodbye (even though I had the hope of seeing them often). I was nervous about all the comments people were making, and I was afraid I would feel the pain of separation. So I decided that I would really like to pump breast milk for the twins. I thought that it might ease the transition between birth and goodbye. As it turns out, I didn't really need to do that. When they were born, I couldn't wait to see them with the intended parents. It was right and it was good, and it was what we had all been waiting for. There was no pain on separation, at least not from the babies. I'll just be honest and say I never really considered that the babies might be missing something from the serparation. Knowing how babies are, how they thrive when they are loved, and that it doesn't matter who it is, as long as they are loved, the thought never entered my mind.

The birth wasn't without it's hardships though. More than the babies, I bonded with the intended parents. It was hard to let go of our journey, to move on and know that I'd finished what needed to be done. There was pain in that separation, but fortunately, I had the hope of retaining that friendship, and still do.

A surrogate mom does form bonds. She isn't just this shell that houses an infant. I form bonds with people, both the babies I carry and their parents. But it isn't like the bonds I formed when I was pregnant with my own children. It's different, and it should be different because the situations are different, the intent is different, and the journey and the end are different. I love my surro-babies, I love their parents, I love Chris and Kirsten's family, and I will love whatever child(ren) may come out of these cycles. I'll love them, but our relationship will be unique. And there is no protocol for what it should look like. It will be what it will be.

I can't predict what it will look like. I try not to expect anything or even promise anything. All I can do is count on the fact that so far Kirsten and Chris and I all want to be a part of each other's family's lives, including any children I carry for them. And that's a good thing. It's right, even if it is different.

Donor slip

I got a call today to say our donor had a check up at the clinic and all is well, except...

...she left her lupron in a hot car all day and we needed to replace it just to be on the safe side.

$135 to replace it, that sucks!

Jenn and I are in tomorrow for a check up...the madness starts here!

Our donor has passed

All the testing for our donor is back in, and she passed all of it, so we are going ahead on schedule.

I can't believe it's coming around so quickly, only two weeks until stims are scheduled to start.

Christmas is going to be crazy this year!

I think we are underway

Jenn's biopsy results came back fine and on Tuesday Jenn had an appointment to start birth control pills to control her cycles. We are still waiting on some genetic testing results from our donor, but we have our schedule confirmed now and so if all goes to plan we will be transferring in December!

I thought that November was going to be a quiet month for us, but it seems like there is still much going on. I am thinking good thoughts. I still can't quite believe there may be a baby waiting for us at the end of this journey, but even so, I am excited to get this show going!

One hurdle cleared

Yesterday was a big day. Jenn had her biopsy, which went well, her results are expected on Friday, we do not expect any issues to arise.

Our donor had her first appointment and everything was found to be perfect! Our clinic is very happy with her, she is very healthy, cooperative and an expert in the IVF shots she is required to do. She had some genetic testing carried out and we expect the results in approximately two weeks. She has had two pregnancies from two previous egg donations so we can allow ourselves some hope that this might just work. At the very least we will have tried our very best.

We have an estimated schedule, which is very exciting!

Donor starts stims ~ November 29th
Donor's egg retrieval ~ December 11th
Jenn's embryo transfer ~ December 16th
Beta test ~ December 28th

November is going to be very quiet, except for some test result, so we have a little time to enjoy the fall before things start to get a little crazy!

The Shots

One of the things people are always intrigued with when they find out I'm a surrogate is the shots. For someone who has never done an IVF cycle, the thought of giving yourself a shot can be quite terrifying. When people find out that I've given myself hundreds of shots, some if them just about pass out. Still, my hat is off to those who do the egg retreival side of an IVF cycle. While I can do an IM injections with my eyes closed (okay, not really!), the stomach shots just give me the chills. I can't imagine having to face the stomach shots so many times a day.

After having given myself so many shots, I'll admit that I am pretty good at injections. I've got it down to a science. I use the smallest needle possible and I inject slowly. I hide in the bathroom so that my husband doesn't faint. ;) BUT....even though I've stood in front of the mirror hundreds of times to do an injection, I still break out in a cold sweat every time! :) I guess no matter how much practice I get, the anxiety never fully fades away.

The mock cycle is over tomorrow, so I have only one more shot to go tomorrow morning and then I am done with injections for a little while. I have a endometrial biopsy in the morning. Hopefully everything will be normal with that.

The day improved!

I heard today that our donor has done her psychological testing and is completing her legal next week. Our clinic confirmed she has an appointment next Tuesday, so fingers crossed that goes well.

I can enjoy the weekend without worry now, thank goodness!

I'm starting to get nervous

This is such a weird cycle for me (even weirder than the last!). It's both easy and difficult. It's easy (on me) because I have no physically (bodily) involvement in any of the process, I am neither providing the eggs, or carrying any resulting babies. It's difficult because being the control freak I am I cannot control ANY of the process, since I have no involvement. It's starting to take it's toll on me already and we haven't even started cycling yet!

We secured our egg donor on Tuesday 13th October, that's nearly two weeks ago now, and she hasn't yet been in to our clinic for her primary testing. I discovered yesterday that our second and third donor choices have both gone into cycle for other couples. This is being to freak me out. We are on a tight time schedule, we need to transfer by January, and I know how long these things can take, believe me, I've been here enough times before under different circumstances.

So there it is, I'm starting to get nervous.

So, I'm the GS!

Since Kirsten so graciously offered to share her blog space with me, I thought it'd be nice if I said a little bit about myself for those of you who don't know me!

I'm Jenn, Kirsten and Chris' GS. I met Kirsten through a mutual friend, and now we attend the same small group together. I'm 27, and have been married to a wonderful man for 7 years. I have two beautiful children of my own, and completed one surrogacy journey in 2008, which resulted in boy/girl twins.

Once I finished my first journey, which went incredibly well, I couldn't imagine working with anyone other than the couple I delivered the twins for. We were a great match, and I had grown close to them throughout the journey, so I just didn't see myself becoming a surrogate again unless they wanted to do a sibling project.

Not so. After I met Kirsten and Chris and heard a bit of their story, I began to feel a burden in my heart for them just the same way as I did the first time around. I could see how much they loved and enjoyed the little ones they already have, and wanted to help them have more children in any way I could. I asked my husband about offering to carry for them, and asked our mutual friend for advice on whether she thought it was a good idea to offer. I did some thinking and some praying, and took a chance in offering to carry for them.

As you know, Kirsten, Chris and I have completed one failed surrogacy cycle together already. It was my first failed cycle as a surrogate (having previously had one cancelled cycle and one successful with the other couple), and it was definitely not an easy thing for me to accept, though I'm sure my feelings were nothing compared to Kirsten and Chris. Still, I knew that I didn't want this journey to end in that way, so I am glad that we are moving forward again.

I am in the midst of the mock cycle, which so far is going great! I am excited to move on with this new cycle, and hope and pray that this time we will be successful and Kirsten and Chris will be blessed with another child or two to love.

13mm and a triple stripe

The mock is going well, Jenn is perfect.

Go Jenn!

(btw, it WAS still dark, very dark when I left home!)

6.30am

Tomorrow's appointment is at 6.30am. It's great because it gives both Jenn and I the chance to make it home from the appointment to take care of our kids before our husbands go to work. However, I think 6.30am should be made illegal. Jenn and I don't even think it will be light by then?!!

I feel for the staff at the clinic who welcome their work day at this time in the morning five days a week. We will see them in less than 12 hours!

We are blogging together!!

Jenn and I have decided to blog this journey together. We will both contribute to the blog giving our thoughts on this amazing journey.

We hope you enjoy reading!

Time for an update and a change of name

It's time for an update. I've changed the name of the blog to reflect our new plan. Call us crazy but we are moving ahead with another IVF. This is it. I've said many times before this is our last attempt, but this time, it is (really and truthfully!)

It takes three.

Three woman that is. One to donate the eggs, one to grow and nurture the baby and one to be a parent.

Yes, we have chosen to use both an egg donor and a gestational surrogate (GS). Could it get much more complicated?!?

We are very lucky that our GS Jenn wants to enter this journey with us again. After our last failure it would be understandable if she needed to step away and take some time out, but she is all ready to go again and we are so grateful for that. Without her this journey would not be possible.

This is our last shot, so we are taking all the advice we can get. Our best chance of a successful cycle is with a young donor who has donated before and those cycles have resulted in pregnancy. Our donor guide, D, has matched us with a 21 year old donor who has donated twice before, both times resulting in a singleton pregnancy. She lives local to our clinic and meets our requirements perfectly.

We are in the early stages, Jenn is currently in the middle of a "mock cycle" which tests the level of medication she requires amongst other things, and we are waiting for our donor to meet with our clinic nurse to complete her testing. We are hoping for a transfer sometime before Christmas, but time will tell, I learned long ago you cannot predict the timing of IVF cycles!

This might work, it might not, but whatever happens we will have done everything we could to try and we will be at peace with the outcome.

We are excited to start this new journey!

Finally

Finally, last night, came the tears. I think it's the first time I've actually cried about the "could I have failed it any more dramatically?" failed cycle. I guess it was about time. The tears started and they couldn't be stopped. I cried for my overwhelming feelings of uselessness.

I feel like I'm in an emotional prison and the escape key has been snapped in two. I think I'm on the solitary block, and I don't WANT visitors.

I need to snap out of it, I need to man up and accept my life (no point in womaning up, apparently I'm not woman enough for some stuff), but how do I do that?

I have no idea.

The unknown

Nothing to report. I don't know at this point if this blog will continue or not? For now it's on hold. Chris and I have some decisions to make and some hard thinking to do.

I'll report back when there is anything to say.

Thanks for supporting us in our journey so far, I, for one, hope this is not the end.

It's over

This journey is over. Beta was negative.

I'm not sure how we get to be quite so unlucky, but there it is.

The proof is in the bloodwork

Tomorrow is beta test day. Again, for the 7th time I wonder why we are bothering to keep the appointment. However, as I know from past experience if you don't get the bloodwork done they hound you and track you down until you agree to give in just for some peace and quiet.

A positive on 17dpo, that would really be a miracle!

There is no place for gloominess in my life

Every morning I wake to see Sarah and Jacob. Each day I feel like I am meeting them for the very first time, and I am reminded the two brightest lights in my world are resting under our roof.

I am sad for lives that were not meant to be but there is no place for gloominess in my life, tears of joy and that is all.

I thank God for each new morning.

Nose dive

Hope takes a big nose dive today.

There may have been testing, there may not, I don't know. What I do know is, if there was testing, it wasn't showing the two little lines we'd like to see.

I wish Jenn didn't have to go through this tough time with us, spreading the pain just makes the pain more intense.

Sorry Jenn.

Do I need to spell it out?

You can guess what today's tests say.

Negative

Tests so far, all negative.

There is always tomorrow!

AF has arrived

I am not pregnant.

(and I didn't even have to test to find out)

LOL!

9 DPO

See post 8 DPO!

8 DPO

Nothing to report. Just waiting.

How dull!

Just waiting

I am feeling quite useless. It's not like if the embryos had been transferred to me I'd actually be doing anything anyway, but since Jenn is the one giving our rays of hope the chance of a future there is nothing I can do, except wait, just like everyone else.

It's weird.

Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD)

There are various reasons a couple turns to PGD. Inherited genetic diseases that could possibly be passed on to a child is probably the most well know reason. Another use of PGD is for gender selection to "balance" a family since PGD will tell you which embryos are boys and which are girls (an ethical debate I am not prepared to engage in here). In our case we turned to PGD to find a possible answer to why 21 embryos, whilst looking good in the lab and growing in cultures to as far as day 7 did not make it to a pregnancy. Dr W advises PGD after a couple has 2 failed fresh cycles and in our case we had 2 failed fresh and 4 frozen cycles. Since all the embies always looked so good and grew so well we really had to believe that I was the main problem and we didn't really expect PGD to give us the answers we were looking for but thought we should try it anyway given this was our last shot.

We were wrong, so wrong.

Yesterday we received the report giving the results of our genetic testing. Apparently, for a reason we will never know, we do not make good embryos. They look pretty and grow well, but that is all. You would normally expect abnormal embryos to die off early on, but not ours, they might not be perfect, but they are fighters, for as long as they can be, and I'm proud of them for that.

The type of PGD testing that was carried out on our embryos tests chromosomes X, Y, 8, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 20, 21 and 22. These are the more common problems found with abnormal embryos. Each chromosome should consist of 2 chromosomes, 1 from the mother and 1 from the father, any more or less than 2 would be considered abnormal.

Our results;

Of 11 embryos available 2 could not be tested since they had no nucleus.
1 embryo had 1 chromosome abnormality
1 embryo had 2 chromosome abnormalities
4 embryos had so many chromosome abnormalities there is no point in listing them all
1 embryos did not have any normal chromosomes at all

That leaves 2!!! 2 (recorded as normal) embryos consisting of 2 chromosomes in every category required. Instead of "normal embryos" I like to think of them as miracle embryos or rays of hope.

In case you are wondering whether our rays of hope are male or female, we don't know. We asked Dr W to black out that part because we don't want to know.

I'm sad that for some reason we make such a high number of abnormal embryos, of course we wish that wasn't the case, and we'd really like to know why we do, but we never will know, and those are the facts so we have to accept them. It does gives us the answers we were searching for, even if not the ones we wanted. Our "normal embryo" percentage in this cycle was 18%. Using that percentage on our previous cycles it would suggest that although we thought we were putting back 21 good embryos in reality it may have been just 3 (or none).

At this point dwelling on the above is pointless, the most important part is that our 2 good embryos have been transferred to Jenn and we have hope. Of course it's possible they may have issues we haven't tested for, but for now we are going to put that to one side and assume they are just perfect.

A perfect transfer

When we arrived for the transfer this morning we were happy to find both embryos were still alive and doing well. Everything went smoothly with the transfer, and Jenn did an excellent job. Dr W said she looked great, and her lining was perfect. She followed her pre transfer instructions so well that Dr W had a clear view of where the embryos needed to go.

Jenn told me she had a good feeling today, and I can't help but agree with her. This was the first time we've had a transfer that has been in the clinic and not in the surgery centre OR. It really helped me have a positive vibe about the transfer, I would not have wanted to go back into the OR where so many previous failed transfers have taken place.

I am feeling positive today and I hope I can make that feeling last.

Jenn is now on bed rest and all we can do is wait and pray.

Transfer day

Today is embryo transfer day. I hope, hope, hope, that we still have two good looking healthy embryos to transfer by the time we get to the surgery centre. That's the reality of IVF, you just never know if and when you are going to lose an embryo or two (or more).

I didn't sleep well last night, I'm not sure why, it's not like I can change anything, but there you go.

I have lots to do this morning, so it's time to get busy, I'll update after the transfer.

Fingers crossed!

Speedy McWerlin

Ok, so no. Apparently although the general consensus via goggle is 48 hours, if you are testing with Dr W the results come way quicker.

Today I got "the call", I wasn't expecting one so it was nice not to be sitting around waiting for it.

The news is good or bad (or both) depending on which way you see it.

Out of 11 growing embryos only 2 are normal. The others are still growing (they are fighters!) but they are not normal. I was shocked, but not surprised (is that possible?). After 6 transfers of 21 embryos we finally have our answer. If you add our dodgy abnormal embryos to my issues with hormone levels and lining problems it's not really too much of a surprise that we haven't been successful so far. I'll be honest, even though we did PGD (since it was the only thing left to do), neither Chris or I (or even Dr W) expected this outcome, it really is unusual to have such abnormal numbers.

I was complaining this morning that doing PGD was taking money away from other things that we needed, and now, this afternoon I believe that it was the best $4,500 we have ever spent. We now know that even with IVF, pregnancy (especially for me) would be highly unlikely.

Ok, so if we look at this as good news;

• We have 2 normal embies to transfer and that is all we need
• We are using a very experienced and proven surrogate which give our embies the best ever possible shot they could hope for
• If this cycle works we will not have to consider what to do with frozen embryos
• If we hadn't done PGD we might have transferred 2 abnormal embies since you cannot tell just by looking at them

Now for the bad news:

• We only have 2 normal embies to transfer, it's possible they have other issues we could not test for (we do not make many normal embryos)
• We have none to freeze so if this cycle doesn't work it's the end of the road for us
• The 2 normal embies might not make it until transfer tomorrow

Since the good points above outway the bad points I am going to believe this cycle will work until I hear otherwise.

Wish us luck for tomorrow!

48 hours

I have been asked when we will find out the results of the PGD testing. Since I didn't know the answer (I just assumed we would find out sometime before the transfer tomorrow!), I decided to google the subject and discovered it generally takes 48 hours to get the result which is perfect for a 5 day transfer.

This has stopped me thinking "I wonder if we will find out Tuesday", so I will expect no news today, and pray for a good result tomorrow morning. That's all we can do for now.

Bloating, oh my!

IVF meds can make you feel pretty crappy. I've never really had an issue until this cycle, I've had headaches and have generally felt pretty fat and gross. Bloating can be a big issue and I couldn't wait until ER to get rid of that big round feeling. When they prep you for surgery they weigh you and I have to say I was shocked by the number, since I haven't weighed myself in a while. Today however, I weighed in and I'm down 3lbs since the surgery on Friday, so although I still feel pretty big and bloated, at least mentally I feel better already.

I hope the downward trend continues!

No transfer today!

Dr W just called to let us know that 11 embies are still growing nicely so we can take it to a 5 day transfer. He is sure we can carry out PGD on 9 of the 11, and possibly on the other 2, he's not sure quite yet, which probably suggests they do not have as many cells as he would like at this point.

This means a definite transfer on Wednesday, as long as

1. they don't all arrest because we carried out PGD on them
2. at least 2 embies hang on for the next two days
3. the PGD results doesn't show all our embies are totally duds or "incompatible with human life" as Dr W likes to phrase it.

I feel hopeful today. I'm going to be smiling for today even if I don't know what tomorrow brings.

Ouch.

Today is turning out to be my worst pain day since surgery. It's supposed to get better and I had high hopes for today, but unfortunately it was not to be. I am getting waves of pain that come on so quickly and for want of a better way to describe the pain it feels like my ovaries are about to explode.

Now, I am a rational person, so I'm pretty sure my ovaries are totally intact, but the panic is still bubbling there, just a little under the surface. I'm supposed to be resting, Dr W put on his stern face on Friday after surgery and told me to make sure I take it easy, but with no outward signs of illness I feel like a fraud, and with two little people running around where is the time for resting?

I am so grateful that we are not going to transfer tomorrow with me being the recipient, at this point I cannot imagine doing something quite so crazy.

The little people are napping now, so for at least a few minutes I'm going to try and sit on the couch and see if I can't still the waves of pain, if just for a while.

(I hope all our embies are doing ok today, we've had no bad news, so I'm hoping for the best).

Fertilization?

Dr W called this morning to let us know that out of the 17 eggs, 11 fertilized normally, 1 is still undecided and 5 decided not to bother getting in on the whole baby experience!

Since we have been used to 100% fertilization in the past, I guess this shows the beginning of our downward slide on age v fertility, I am 36 after all and heading fast for the big four O! It seems we were right to cycle now instead of waiting until Sarah and Jacob are a little older.

The embryos will be monitored for the next couple of days to see how they are doing and we will then have to decide whether to do PGD and a 5 day transfer or if they are not doing so well it will be a 3 day transfer.

We will see.

My work is done .......

..........and Jenn's is just beginning.

At my surgery today 19 eggs were retrieved of which 17 were mature enough to be injected with sperm. We retrieved way more eggs that I expected so we are pretty happy. Tomorrow we will find out how many of those fertilized successfully. In the past two retrievals we'd had a 100% fertilization rate, so we will have to wait and see if we get that lucky this time.

I am still feeling a little sore, nothing that an early night and a bit of rest over the next couple of days won't fix.

Jenn's lining check this morning went better than we could ever have hoped for. Her lining was 15.5mm, which sounds totally warm and snuggly and an environment any embryo would be happy bedding down in, IMHO!

Go Jenn!

ER and lining check

Today is the surgery for my egg retrieval. Today is also Jenn's lining check. Fingers crossed for a good number for both of us!

Today is an important day in this cycle.

The urge never goes away!

So, apparently I've discovered the urge to POAS (pee on a stick) never goes away*

The shot we did yesterday consisted of HCG. This is the hormone produced by the body when an embryo implants and starts to grow. It is the hormone that produces a hpt that looks like this;



instead of one the one we usually see which looks like this;



The HCG shot is used during an IVF cycle as HCG allows control over when ovulation will take place – and this is 36 – 39 hours after the HCG injection. This precise control allows the IVF team to be prepared to harvest eggs just before that time. The HCG simulates the woman's natural LH surge, which normally triggers ovulation.

So that would be the medical reason for the shot. However, for the hpt addicts out there is gives us the unusual opportunity of POAS and immediately getting a "pregnant!" result, something vary rarely (if ever) seen around these parts!

When I told Chris this morning I really wished I had some hpt's in the house, he gave me the *you are crazy lady* look and pointed out that I can't be pregnant.

I really didn't see his point.... "what an earth has that got to do with anything, it's a chance to see a positive hpt, what better reason is there?"

Suffice to say, since I didn't have any tests in the house the dream of seeing a positive hpt will remain just that, a dream.


* Just in case we need claification on why someone would want to pee on a stick...POAS = home pregnancy test (hpt)!

Even Molly is over it

Usually Molly sleeps in our bed during the night, curled up close to me and then in the morning gets up with me regardless of what time that might be. She sits faithfully on the lid of the toilet waiting for me while I have a shower and then goes back to bed when I'm ready to leave the house. During this cycle nothing has changed, when everyone else in the house is sound asleep Molly has been my shadow.

Not so much today. Molly is o.v.e.r the 5am rise. Today there was no sign of her on the toilet lid and when I went looking, there she was still tucked up in bed sleeping like a baby.

After tomorrow I can get back to my usual 6 to 7am wake up call. That used to sound early to me, now it just sounds like heaven!

My appointment today is just for bloodwork, I hope they hit a vein on the first attempt!

It's trigger time!

Tonight's trigger shot is at 11pm and surgery on Friday is scheduled for 10am.

This cycle is going so fast!

Friday is confirmed!

The egg retrieval will definitely be Friday. No more stims for me thank goodness! Today the biggest measurement was 22mm and the smallest was 18mm. Tonight we have a lupron shot and a HCG shot and then it's all over, no more shots for me!

My lining was (drum roll please) 6mm. Yes that's all, on cycle day 11 my lining is a pitiful 6mm. Dr W confirmed our decision to move forward with a surrogate was a very good one. He has no idea why I've never been able to build up a good lining, but best not to dwell on the issue since that's not important at this point. It's always a comforting feeling when your doctor is in full agreement with your medical decisions!

Jenn has a lining check on Friday, let's hope she is doing better than I am in that department!

Are we too greedy?

This is a question I revisit on a regular basis. Are we too greedy to want more children? We do, after all, have 2 gorgeous little people who make us a family, aren't they enough for us? There are so many people who struggle just to have 1 and sometimes never attain that dream and here were are looking for 3 or 4.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll just never know the answer to that question. All I do know is that Sarah and Jacob remind us daily just what blessings children are and if wanting more is greedy, then so be it.

During the process of adopting the twins we knew we were just on the beginning of our journey to be parents, not at the end of the road.

My heart goes out to those who are still striving to become a family, I do know how it feels, but for now I am going to try and push the feelings of guilt at being so fortunate to one side and concentrate on the amazing road we are travelling right now and pray for more blessings to come our way.

Last day of stims

Today will be the last day of stims and the egg retrieval will almost definitely be on Friday.

My biggest measurement today was 19mm and the smallest was 10mm. I'm not totally sure but I'm going to hazard a guess that there are more than 5 good eggs on each side, but we'll have to see what Friday brings, until they have been aspirated we won't know for sure how many are mature.

I can't wait to stop going for bloodwork, it's starting to get too much now, my arms are starting to fight back!

More tomorrow after another ultrasound (and yes, another 5am start)!

5am is getting old

Another rise and shine at 5am for another fun ultrasound and bloodwork.

Getting up when it's still dark is starting to get old! Only 3 more early mornings and it's back to normal.

Gotta run, updates when I get back.

Some questions answered

Another ultrasound today. The biggest measurement was 16mm and the smallest was 10mm. The retrieval will most likely be Friday, but definately no later than Saturday. Dr W doesn't yet know when he wants Jenn in for a lining check, it will depend on when the retrieval is, but he'll let us know.

For PGD, Dr W's advice is not to do PGD with less than 4 embryos. That's much lower than I though it would be, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see how many embryos we create!!

That's it for today, another ultrasound tomorrow.

Three years

Our first IVF was in August 2006, it's now August 2009. If you had told me 3 years ago we'd still be on this rollercoaster 3 years later I would probably have broken down and cried.

I think after 3 years of treatment it's ok to finally close the door on this chapter of our lives, let's hope this final one is the winner!

Nothing to report

Today's ultrasound was uneventful. Dr W said I was responding well and asked if I could feel things going on, so it turns out I'm not crazy to be feeling it! I purposefully didn't count how many eggs he was measuring so I don't have to agonize over whether there are too few, but at a guess I'd say he counted approximately 5 on each side. They were all about 11mm, which is a good sign since they are all growing at an even rate and should all be cooked at the same kind of time.

I had bloodwork done and hitting a vein was an issue. I had the worse pain I've ever had from a blood draw, but it's all over now, I think we'll try the other arm next time!

I have to stay on the 450 units of follistim for now, and I am let off any appointments this weekend...yeah!!

For now, all is well.

A baby story

I watched "A baby story" today while I was doing my daily exercise on the treadmill. I have no idea what possessed me to watch such a program, it's always been a *don't go there* show for me. I was unusually overcome with emotion and nearly broke down crying. When the baby was born, I started thinking to myself "could that be real for Chris and I one day?". I've never been to that place in my head before, it was just too painful to dream about. I'm not sure how I feel about it now. If I'm honest I think I'm just getting ahead of myself.

I would never have said this before, but it never hurts to dream, right?

All in my head?

Today is only day 5 of stims (the shot hasn't happened yet today) and I'm already starting to feel annoying aching *twinges* on each side. Could this be growing follicles, or is it really all in my head?

I hate to think how I'll feel by next Friday if it's for real. I seem to remember last time I felt like begging Dr W to "just get them out of me now!"

Good times.

Best not to ponder it

My ultrasound today showed 5 eggs on one side and 6 on the other. Dr W seemed pleased and said I was responding well. He is keeping me on 450 units of follistim and I go back on Friday for another check. The biggest egg was 9mm. My thoughts were that I don't seem to be gaining any more eggs just faster growing ones, however I will bow to Dr W's better judgement on this one and try to stop thinking about it.

For a girl who usually gets over 20 eggs, 11 does seem like a lack of effort on my part.

PGD may well be off the cards. I didn't even want to bring up the subject with Dr W, it's still early, and who wants to hear bad news anyway?

I'm getting old, my eggs have to start taking a downhill slide sometime! Now I know the answer to the difficult question "when is it time to stop doing IVF?" When your body is just too old to cooperate anymore!

Stay tuned for Friday's exciting update, will any eggs come out of hiding, shouting "surprise, surprise!?!"

Grow eggs grow!

First shot of follistim last night. 450 units, the most I've ever taken in one shot (well it took two shots actually!)

I hope my eggs are listening. 450 units of follistim = approx $380 (for one shot!). We are spending a small fortune on you right now it would be very polite of you to start growing nicely. Thank you!

Time to take a breath and calm down

Three posts in one day? Things are really hotting up!

So, I've had a little *talk* from both Jenn and Chris and been bought back to my senses. It's just too early to call it. I will turn my *freak out* meter down to "not enough information yet" and forget all I heard today. I can't change it.

On the plus side, I *heart* Dr W. He is going in aggressive with all guns blazing. He knows how much this cycle means to us and how much we have invested in it.

Cycle #7 + PGD + Jenn = VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

Go eggs!

(I will talk to my eggs. It works for plants, right?!)

Did I speak too soon?

I just received a call from the clinic to tell me that my antral follicle count today was low and so instead of reducing the amount of follistim from the average amount (300 units) to the expected 225 units due to previous overstimming, it is going to be increased to 450 units for the first three days and the clinic plans to monitor me more closely.

I won't lie, I'm a little freaked out. The one thing I've always been able to do well is produce a huge number of eggs, and it seems that it's possible that I can't even do that now.

We NEED a large number to do PGD (genetic testing). If we don't get enough I don't know what the plan will be? Transfer to Jenn on day three and forget the PGD altogether, or freeze whatever we do get on day one and start the whole process all over again to get more embryos?

I'm feeling pretty worthless right now.

Friday just went south.

Another hurdled crossed

I had a pre cycle check today and everything was fine so I will be starting follistim on Sunday.

It's on!

(estimated egg retrieval is two weeks from today...wow!)

Time to get out the big guns

Jenn had a supression check up appointment today and everything was perfect, so she starts the intramuscular injections tonight to get her body ready for transfer. This does feel like the real beginning of the cycle...hopefully nothing will stop us now. I have a check up tomorrow, so fingers crossed.

Good luck tonight Jenn, I hope it's not too painful!

It's all good

I've been getting into bad habits at bedtime for a while now. By the time the kids have gone to bed and I've done all my chores it's pretty late, so I've been staying up very late to finally get some *me* time in the day.

However, that really doesn't work for me. I've always liked to be in bed by 10pm and asleep by 11pm. These days it's been much more like bed at 12am or later, I get up early in the morning, so I'm struggling in the day.

With the introduction of lupron I decided to turn over a new leaf. The shots have to be taken at approximately the same time every day, so I've scheduled them for 10pm. Now it's chores until 9pm, 9pm to 10pm wind down time and 10pm lupron shot in bed. Any chores not finished by 9pm have to wait until the next day.

It's only been a few nights but I do feel better already, now I just have to keep it up!

Phew!

Jenn's testing all came back ok so we are full steam ahead.

Jenn's big shots start this week, I'm sure she is totally looking forward to those. I, on the other hand, am happily jogging along with my little biddy tummy shots (sorry Jenn!)

We are only just over two weeks away from egg retrieval, at this point I know that it's all going to go really quickly and before we know it we'll be in the two week wait, and that, my friends, will NOT go quickly at all.

It's all a little weird

The lupron shots are going ok and not having any effect on me in a crazy way. This is a weird cycle. In the past we've always wanted to keep the fact we were cycling to ourselves since we were always pretty sure the outcome would be negative and who wants to keep giving bad news over and over? This time I'm torn. I want to shout from the rooftops "We're trying to make a baby!", but I know that if it doesn't work I will feel much worse at the end AFTER explaning to everyone about the surrogacy.

So, for now, this is just amongst us, and that's just those involved. We are all excited and that's what matters right now!

Watch out for the medication side effects people!

I had my first start of cycle appointment today and I start lupron tonight. Jenn started her lupron on Monday, so we are officially lupron buddies. I am told lupron can make some people crazy (hence the title of this post!) however, it's never done anything strange to me, so I will look to Jenn on this one for some crazy antics!

My antral follicle count today was 5 on the left and 8 on the right (or something similar to that), so that's a good start.

We are waiting on the results of some testing for Jenn and providing that goes ok we are full steam ahead on the business of making a baby!

Time for Chris to dust off his injection skills and get that needle loaded up......oh the fun times to be had during an IVF cycle, here we go again (for the last time?)

It's a go!

We finally have schedules. After all the testing, legal and psychological stuff, we are ready to start cycling!

Here is where we currently stand;

First meds (Jenn) ~ July 13

First meds (Me) ~ July 17

Possible egg retrieval ~ August 7

Possible egg transfer ~ August 12

Now all that's left is to hope that we both respond well to meds and the genetic testing on the embyros goes well. Not too much to ask? Pretty please?

The sad side of moving on

Whether it be surrogacy, domestic adoption or being content with the amazing children we are already I can't deny I feel a tinge of sadness to be shutting the door on further IVF transfers (to me).

At this point we are well aware that transferring embryos to me gives us a slim chance of pregnancy, but despite being very slim, it's still there, the *chance*.

It's not so much the actual pregnancy, I came to terms long ago that the chances of carrying a child were slight, and I'm fine with that, I know that being pregnant is not the important part of raising a family. However, I can't help but be sad that I am walking away from that chance to join "the club". It's a club that such a huge percentage of people are allowed to join. There is only one rule of the club ~ you have to be female ~ and I know I have that one down. You don't have to be clever, pretty, thin, educated, funny, or anything else, just female.

I know in the long run it doesn't matter, and I also know it won't come up in conversation very often. But it will matter, just occasionally, and I'll always know there was one thing I wasn't allowed to do, for whatever reason.

So I'm saying goodbye to the miracle of carrying a child, I'm sad but I'm incredibly lucky that someone believes in Chris and I so much as parents that she wants to carry a miracle for us and that beats joining any club, in my book.

How surrogacy found us, and why it gives us new hope

Our original plan was to complete one final IVF procedure this year and throw in genetic testing for good measure. This is the only major testing we haven't yet carried out and it *may* give us some answers. For those who understand the process of IVF, we planned an egg retrieval and fertilization, but instead of transferring on a five day plan, we agreed with our doctor (for medical reasons) to freeze all embryos on day one and carry out frozen transfers at a later date. If this didn't work, the plan was to accept defeat and move on to domestic adoption.

Enter Jenn.

Jenn is a friend who was aware of some of the struggles we have been through, and not knowing if surrogacy would be of benefit, offered to carry a child for us.

Chris and I discussed the idea at length and it wasn't difficult to come to the decision that it would give us the best possible chance to be successful with IVF. If we had searched out a surrogate ourselves we could never have found someone better than Jenn. Not only is she a great person, but she has carried two children of her own AND carried twins as a gestational surrogate.

Statistics show the best results for IVF happen when the eggs are retrieved from one person and the fresh embryos transferred to another. The medical reasons are complex and generally there are far fewer couples who need to go to these lengths. Fresh transfers are also more successful than frozen ones so having the opportunity to do a fresh transfer is an amazing gift for us.

Using a gestational surrogate gives us a new hope that IVF just *might* work for us. It has so much going for it and maximises the best possible outcome for IVF. It's something radical that we've never tried before, and the best part.....Jenn is proven to be very good at pregnancy!

We are so excited to be starting this journey. Whatever the outcome we know that this will be a positive experience for us.

The simple facts

Our story is complicated. We have been through many years of infertility testing and unsuccessful procedures. I won't go into uneccesary detail other than to say there is no simple explanation to why we are unable to conceive a child. There is only so much failure it is possible to live through before it's time to give up and move on. We are so very blessed to have already expanded our family by adoption, but call us greedy if you will, we believe our family would be enriched further by more children.

In the land of infertility the simple questions others are asked cannot be answered quite so easily.

"How many children would you like?"

The answer is not, "We would like *insert number here*", that's way too simple.

The answer is "We would like the number we are blessed with, and we would hope that is at least one!"

When persuing adoption, for the most part the parents are in control of the number of children being adopted. Unless there are unusual circumstances (sibling groups and suchlike) when choosing to adopt one, one is the number of children who join the family. In our case, we were hoping to adopt two and were overjoyed to be referred a set of siblings, we couldn't have hoped for a better outcome.

However, when persuing assisted reproduction the control of the outcome is not so simple. For each of the six IVF cycles we have been prepared for the possibility of multiples, it comes with the territory. It worked well to mentally prepare us for the adoption of twins, but so far biological multiples have not been on the agenda. Each IVF cycle starts with a blank page so back to the question our answer to this upcoming IVF cycle is "We would like however many we are blessed with, and we hope that number is no more than two!"

As to what our future may hold, we just don't try and speculate anymore. If our family is complete with our current two, we will be forever grateful to have them in our lives, if we are blessed with more we would be estatic, we are happy to raise as many as we believe we can emotionally, financially and physically care for.

Our story so far and the reason for this blog........

Up until our late 20's Chris and I were "ordinary" young adults with little responsibility to worry about. We worked hard, played hard and didn't envisage an end to those young carefree single days.

Then I moved to the USA, we met and it all changed.....

Since then not much about us has felt "ordinary".

* I'm British and Chris is American
* We wanted children but couldn't conceive any
* We adopted a set of twins from Russia
* We are young and healthy but six perfectly good IVF cycles with a top class doctor haven't worked for us
* now we are moving onto surrogacy!

All I've ever wanted is to be ordinary, and I've finally realised, there is more than one type of ordinary.

Some people choose to expand their family and they do it without outside help, others don't get that choice. For some, outside help is a necessity, there is no other option. We are those people, the sooner we accepted that fact the simpler the journey to parenthood was for us.

As it turns out, outside help can come in many different ways!

When we were adopting from Russia I wrote a diary of our journey so our children would have the opportunity to read it when they are older and know just how much we wanted them.

I am writing this blog for the same reason, however I am not planning on making the blog public until we are much further along this journey, for now, these will just be my personal thoughts.